So my english paper could use some?

This is a paper for English cl? An actual essay? This sounds a diary entry. Exactly grade are you in...? Well, first off, the casual tone irritated me a bit(i.e. "point blank pissed off). Considering this is an ENGLISH paper, SLANG is a no-no. NEVER USE SLANG. The use of similes was a nice attempt, but they need to be reworded. One hint, the heart does not lie within the stomach. Nor can it. "Like tires filled with air, too much, ready to burst" This is redundant. Fix it. Never ask the reader questions("What had I done wrong?"). If you're asking yourself the question, be sure to say so, preferably in quotations. The ENTIRE paper is choppy. Add some transitions and compound/complex sentences. Almost all of the senctences start with "I...". You need to add variety in order to keep the reader interested. DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT use vague pronouns("this girl..."). Yet another way to bore the reader. Add detail instead. The final paragraph started off strong(I particularly liked the introductory sentence), but quickly became weak. You need to use stronger adjectives and avoid useless, vapid repetition, i.e. "what _____ is, what ______ is." There are nouns for those, hun. Be sure that the introductory sentences of each paragraph actually introduce the paragraph, rather than continue the previous one(that would defeat the point of adding a new paragraph). Fix punctuation, grammar, etc. Just a reminder: Use more sentence variety! Reading a plethora of choppy, boring sentences bores the reader. Oh, I will note, however, that I liked the concluding sentence of the first paragraph. The "atom bomb...". THAT was nice. However, don't abuse the figurative language(you used some consecutive similes. It seemed a bit forced and repetitive). Well, I hope I helped. YOU BETTER NOT HAVE DELETED THIS BY THE TIME I FINISH.